2 Things I Hate About You

Man, I'm tired of that certain breed of women that laugh rather than apologize when they've really screwed something up. An extremely high concentration of them live in the greater Los Angeles area and, unfortunately for me, I seem to "magnetically" attract them.
For instance, I'm driving down the street and suddenly a car merges into my lane right next to me so that I have to slam on the brakes and lay on the horn. Pull up next to the car to see what condition the driver is in and (9 times out of 10) there sits a giggling woman (usually on the phone while sitting next to a giggling female passenger). She turns just briefly to look at me and (here's the part I HATE) giggles all the more while raising her one hand that's not holding the phone (and used to be controlling the steering wheel) up to her mouth in order to mimick the presumably universal "oops" sign. There's never an "I'm sorry" hand wave or even the silent screaming that tells you the poor girl is having a bad day, so you might as well leave her alone. No, there's only, "oops!" (giggle, giggle).
Then there's the moments like I had last night...

I was supposed to meet my date in Hollywood and go to a few parties that her and her girlfriend were invited to. The agreed upon plan was to meet up with them after dinner and she'd call me when she was arriving at the first party. I timed my evening to show up to this party about the same time that I figured it would take her to eat and arrive as well. Since I didn't presume to know anyone at this particular affair I didn't want to go in without her. So, I waited 30 minutes at our meeting place for her and then called to see where she was at.
No response.
I wait 45 minutes and send her a text: "Hey, I'm here. R U dun w/dinr?"
No response.
I wait a total of 1 hour and she calls.
Her: (giggle, giggle) Hi. We had a change of plans. (giggle, giggle) After dinner we stopped by a friend's party, but we're on our way to you now. I'll call you in a bit. Shouldn't take more than 15 to 20 minutes to get there (giggle, giggle).
I'M HER DATE! EXCUSE ME? YOU JUST WENT TO A PARTY WITHOUT YOUR DATE? I must not have received the updated Rules Of Dating book because that's cause for the death penalty in the last edition.
Alright, we're now at 1 hour 20 minutes of standing outside waiting to have a great time with my great date. I call to see if she's almost here.
No response.
I wait 15 minutes.
Call.
No response.
At the 1 hour and 45 minute mark I start to laugh at how much of an ass I look like for standing around on a busy Hollywood street corner, all dressed up, waiting for this woman. I call her one more time and tell her if she doesn't show up now or call me in the next couple of minutes I'm out.
(I'm realizing now that I should have set this blog up like a season of 24. With 1 hour blocks for each episode. That would have been cooler. But, then, I'm the guy who waits around for a girl for 2 hours, so I guess I'm not up on what's "cool".)
Anyway, I give her 15 more extremely generous minutes and then leave. I drive 20 minutes home and sit in my livingroom for about 10 minutes when... That's right, she calls. (Here's the part I HATE.)
Me: Hello?
Her: (giggle, giggle) Where are you?
Me: Home.
Her: No! (giggle, giggle) I'm headed to that party now!
Me: Where the hell were you?
Her: (giggle, giggle) We were walking to the car (giggle, giggle) to go see you when we heard about another party just up the street, so we (giggle, giggle) stopped by.
Me: You went to another party without me, your date, and left me waiting for you in Hollywood for 2 hours?
Her: (giggle, giggle, giggggggggllllllllllllllllleeeeeeee, giggle) Yes. I'm SO sorry. I'm sorry. (giggle, giggle)
Me: Why would you do that? Why didn't you at least call me?
Her: I don't know? (giggle) I have no excuse (giggle). Just come back over.
Me: No, I'm done partying with you for one night.
Her: Ohhhh, come onnnnn... Are you mad at me?
Me: 2 HOURS you let me wait for you while you went and partied!
Her: (giggle..?)


I don't know, God. It's sounding more and more like it is good for Man to be alone.
(Oh, is that wrong to say?)
Giggle, giggle... Oops.

Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A

In honor of ESPN's new groundbreaking series Codebreakers, here's the codes and pins to all of my email accounts, bank accounts, ATM, and voice messages:

Email - ***********

Email - *******

Blogspot - ********

ATM - ****

Online Banking - twoscoops12

Voice Messages - *********

Locker - *****

Saw NARNIA Tonight

I didn't intend on seeing it until Sunday, but my friend and I started to sit down to watch a screening of Syriana and decided we might as well wait another hour and see Narnia at the first screening. I won't say anything about the story here so as not to upset any fans that are yet to see the film. I would say I enjoyed it though, although it turned out to truly feel like a children's story... I suppose it felt a bit like seeing Benji for the first time (only, at the ripe age of 24) and being excited about it.

Narnia: The Lion, The Car, and The Turkey

Well, I'm going to finish the fourth book in the The Chronicles of Narnia series tonight. That lion is a pretty cool kat. I keep waiting for him to eat the kids, but he hasn't yet.

Today, during a conversation concerning the upcoming Narnia film (Dec. 9th), a very pretty woman asked me equally very nonchalantly what "old C.S. Lewis was doing these days?" ...I'm pretty sure I'll keep my relationship with her strictly somatic.

Another person that I conversed with this evening wanted nothing more in the world than to tell me all about muscle cars. The following is a section taken directly from the transcribed repartee:

Asian Car Guy: ...And the 05's were already extremely heavy at 3,400 lbs!

Me: That's crazy, man.

Asian Car Guy: But, come on! 3,800 lbs?! I mean, yeah, it has over 500 horsepower, but...

Me: Yeah, I know.

(Later)

A.C.G: ...I mean I'd put a fat block on there with a few bolt down mods...

Me: -That's crazy, man.

A.C.G: ...I mean if we're talkin' "I have a million dollars" here, I'd put mods on the chasis of course, but that's way expensive.

Me: Yeah, I know... That's crazy, man.

(Later)

A.C.G: ...I mean the Subaru (indecipherable) is an amazing model. Do you like the (indecipherable) or the Subaru (indecipherable) better?

Me: Oh, I-I don't know. That's a tough one, man. I mean... ... .. .

A.C.G: -Yeah, I know what you're saying, but I think I'd definitely go for the (indecipherable).

(Later)

Me: Man, you should try going to a Jay Leno taping and meet Jay and talk to him about cars. He's a car guy too, you know?

A.C.G: Yeah, that would be cool. Man, you know quite a bit about cars too. That's cool. Hey, could I get another shot of Absolut?

Then I wrapped the night up with this one guy that ALWAYS comes in and orders two Calistoga mineral waters and a turkey entree. I'm mean we're talking two or three times a week for months - two mineral waters, one turkey entree.
But TONIGHT he ordered, "Two Calistogas and..."
"-The turkey entree?"
"No, how 'bout something different."
"Wow, okay. Here's the menu."
(moments later)
"How about the half oven roasted chicken entree."
"Sure."
I felt shocked, confused, happy and hurt.
I just considered this guy to be terminal; a textbook tryptophan addict. And here he was all at once cured... Cold turkey.

Talk to you kids soon. Night.

Monotone

Went out with my same two friends again tonight. Strange thing about tonight was that I think we've finally hung out so much as of late that we really don't have anything else to say to one another. We just sat around and watched one friend smoke cigarette after cigarette while Pauly Shore looked on from across the room - Buuuddy.
Talked about the future some, but we've hashed that out so many times I feel like there isn't gonna be a new tomorrow for a while. We entertained the idea of finding some... What are they called? Oh, shoot! Uh, I don't keep any around here so, I always forget what they're call... Women! That's right. Women.
I think all three of us are tired. L.A. doesn't give out very many breaks, but we need one. A lot of my friends have left town to find something else already. But me and my two friends are still here... Guess I'll call 'em tomorrow.

Fizz Ed

You know how sometimes you fart when you do a situp..? Yeah, that's awkward.
It can happen with a pushup too.

Culture Clash: Episode 59

I actually strolled past an Asian man sitting in his car with the door closed and window down, reading some form of literature while a pair of black leather shoes lay nice and orderly on the curb just below him. I could only assume that the shoes were his own and it struck me as completely ludicrous that he would take his cultural traditions to such great lengths not only in this country, but anywhere else - including his own motherland! ...And this moment made me laugh... and consider how lucky I am to be so ignorant of other's circumstances. Oh, how - I - laughed.

Mind Your Own Business

Everyone says, "There's no business like show business." Really, Business? How about No Business!?! Now mind your own &*#@ing business! ...Business.

Fragmented Nation

Yeah, you might be special but, You don't know the American way.
One nation, under an unwelcome God, divided, and invisible to one another.
How many roads must a man walk before he is called a god?

Today I want to be a musician. You will call me a musician.
- "Do you know how to play?"
Doesn't matter. 'Cause after today,
I'll leave without a trace,
I'm not coming back for another 8 years.
You won't remember my face,
But the lyrics will wash your eyes with your tears.
- "We hate your sound. We hate your sound!
- Listen to yourself," they say, as they nash at me.
Shake hands in the light,
But they meet underground.
Secret plots in the night.
Still secretly gettin' bit in the backseat but it doesn't matter,
'Cause I'm six tracks in and still on the radio!

Wisdom was raped, that will not go unpunished.
Now the decay of Creation.
Now the debt of a fragmented Nation.

Relevant Times

Learnin' to learn as I discover the discovered.
And it's okay to want the prize waiting at the goal.
'Cause the Maker will make it so.
But if He doesn't still, there'll be something waiting though.
Yes, it just might be that there's something new for me and you somehow. Or maybe just me. Or maybe just you. Lonely never felt so lonely 'til now.
It's all gonna be foretold in retrospect.
Yes, faith can be known and deserves respect.
Just learnin' to learn as I discover the discovered...
The gift to my wandering soul.
But never forsake the truth of the artist's mistake...
Passion and talent changes the future, but does nothing to change the past. There is only Embraced and Forgotten.

I Think I've Found The Logic

How did Whomever come up with the word "bowling" for the name of his newly invented pastime? There is no bowl involved in any aspect of the sport. I have gone through entire 10 frame matches, several matches a day, and never once considered the correlative relationship between my actions and the concaved container I ate my breakfast out of that morning.

Now, this leads me to the obvious next question: Which came first - the Bowl or the sportsman Bowler? And then there's the Super Bowl! No bowls will be found on any football player's list of equipment neccessaties.

I'll tell you what I think. I think the guy that invented Bowls, the original Bowler, was an avid athlete. I think he probably loved competative and leisurely sports just as much as he loved the idea of making decorative half spheres. I'm sure it goes without saying that the The Bowler was a wealthy person since life without bowls is practically inconceivable, so he probably used his wealth to corner the market on pin bashing and championship American football.

That would make sense to me and it seems to correlate well with the history of the actual sport: www.bowlingmuseum.com/history.asp

Hide the Obvious in a Paradox

Can't keep it together. Want to let it all slip from the hold. Can't go it alone. But there's wishing.
Last piece of inspiration... Six tracks in and still on the radio.
Digging for originality amongst the not, like starving bastards in other worlds of One. Even the filthy and diseased passes through the lips of the empty.
Think there's answers on the other side of three dimensions. So many theories for so many stories, but no one is going to take the blame for this One.
Fantasy feeds off reality to nurture the unborn in her womb.
Both share one breath from lungs trembling under a heavy heart... Always wish out of hopelessness.
Image over honesty is everything amongst the hypocrites. Hidden intimacy with anyone else. Why keep them around?
...Can't go it alone. But there's wishing.

for my brother

(The title is in lower case because this is for my little brother. My "Big Brother" stopped coming to pick me up after school about 14 years ago. I think he was arrested and kicked out of the Boys and Girls club program all together..?)

First, I'd like to point out the relevence of this blog because I am venturing to say that it is the first ever written word to begin with a parenthetical.

Second, today's blog is dedicated to my brother, Two Guns. A young "Comedic Literary" if you will. He is an aspiring writer and I think his comedy is brilliant. Right now he's in school studying that writer's stuff... I believe he also told me he's minoring in occupational therapy in hopes of one day finding a cure for not only Writer's Cramp but also Writer's Block. Anyway, check out his blog because it has some extremely funny writing hidden in the subtleties of his words. It's in my opinion that he'll make a great jouranlist or novelist or occupational therapist or waiter one day.

Now, with all that said, I feel it should be known that he most definitely received his seemingly raw talent for comedy directly from my side of the family.

It's true, without the constant dosage of elderly brother abuse I don't believe there is any way that he would have become the awkward introvert that he is today. And without the constant nurturing of ridicule that I bestowed upon him day after day YEAR after YEAR how could he be quite as articulate in his subtle (some might say passive) literary irony? I think it impossible.

So, ...sh#$! Writer's block. Find that cure, my funny lil' kin. God's speed.

My Favs -

The commercials are back! No, no they never really left, but the laugh is back. My favorite side splitters right now are:

1. Geico's Caveman commercial where they apologize and one caveman orders roast duck with the mango salsa.

2. The Starburst commercial with the mariachi band jammin' in the guy's mouth until he bites down on them and presumably kills all of them.

3. A portion of a T-mobil commercial where the Dad is only disappointed in the phone charges no matter what his kids are accomplishing or unaccomplishing in life. The point that makes me laugh is when Dad walks in on son to discuss the phone bill. Son is wearing Mom's dress and trying to apply makeup... Thinks he's busted, but Dad doesn't even notice.

Is There A Doctor In The House?

My computer is sick. It has some kind of a virus that is screwing everything up. I feel horrible about the whole situation. It's my fault. And now with it being so nice outside all poor Compy wants to do is go outside and stretch his software with all of the other Gigs and Bytes, but I've quarantined him in my bedroom. Anyone out there know what I can do? I'm trying to download antivirus software, but this bug won't let me complete any of the downloads! (sigh) Poor, poor Compy...

I Hear You From The Back

Your ideals lie beneath rhyme and rhythm while, in the foreground, bobbing heads frame your voice. Sweat grips my shirt and smoke and ash dust off the shoulders of your intoxicated legion. I’m tired of their insecurities because they make me feel my own.

Again I’ll ask you within myself… Why did I come here?

Alcohol and cigarettes on her breath. Makes me sick. Can’t stand to watch her with him for another moment so, I think I’ll take my chances with the law.

One more and I can't tip for the cocktail. Bum a buck off the man. Doesn’t matter, 'cause I don’t plan to be back again. Secretly gettin’ bit in the backseat and I don’t care to tell. I hate this place, but I’ll probably be back again. Manipulation and control are beneath your rhyme and your rhythm. Temporary master of an intoxicated legion.

dunderhead

Int. Someplace - Night

Two FRIENDS sit at a large booth in a dimly lit bar. Inbetween drinks they converse.

GIBBS
(smiling)
Remember when you had that dream where you forgot to wear pants to school and you were the only one who didn't notice?

KIDDS
(looking under the table)
No.

GIBBS
You told me you had that dream where you forget to wear pants to school and everyone notices but you.

KIDDS
(searching for a point to the story)
Everyone's had that dream. I don't remember what one dream you're specifically referring to.

GIBBS
(amused)
You said you didn't notice that you weren't wearing pants, but you did point out to some other kid in the hall that she wasn't wearing pants. And then she pointed out that you weren't wearing any.

A WAITRESS approaches the men.

MIZZ
You guys want another round?

KIDDS
(without looking up)
We'll take the check.

Mizz walks away.

KIDDS (Cont'd)
(to Gibbs)
And?

GIBBS
I wonder whatever happened to that girl? Pretty crazy that you both weren't wearing pants.

KIDDS
You're living in a fantasy.

GIBBS
(now also looking under the table)
Just cause you feel it doesn't mean it's there.

KIDDS
(distempered)
I have pants on, you intellectual ignoramous.
(beat)
Where's yours?

GIBBS
(feeling naked)
Hypocrite!

KIDDS
(angrily standing up out of the booth)
I need to wake up.

Kidds walks through the bar toward the exit. BAR PATRONS gasp with embarrassment as he passes by.

We're Talking Hypotheticals Here People...

If you were to suddenly find yourself being the only human in existance would you then be most confident or unconfident about your general beliefs and assumptions?

As an example: Would you still, then, view yourself as a funny person? Or a creative thinker? Or gifted musician? An exceptional poet? ...Etc.

What characterists would you portray? Would you continue to confine yourself to the socially accepted charactistic norms of your sex?

And finally, being the only human left in existance, which animal would you find most sexually attractive?

Okay, okay, fine... Allow me to set the stage a little better.

Which animal would you find most sexually attractive if you just realized that all human life had been wiped out and so, being naturally distraught, you got trashed on expensive alcohols and spirits that you found in an abandoned bar and now, with major beer goggles on, you've found yourself stumbling around in the dark at an abandoned zoo that used to brag the rights of having the most extensive collection of "exotic" animals in the world until, of course, all humans were destroyed? Having noticed the word "exotic" on one of the park signs you are now trying to find a sexual patner to have pity sex with. So, you lush, which beast will share in your erogenous feast?

Okay, okay, fine... When you answer to this scenario you can write in the third person. We'll all assume that this beastial person was a friend of yours or someone that you read about in Reader's Digest. Okay? Now, please, get to the writing, kids.

*I'll assume that all comments for this post will be anonymous, but don't worry, I won't look at you any different if I do know who posts which comment... ... .......... You sick, SICK, person! Sick! Ugh!! It's an animal! A friggin' disgusting anim... Agh! You Sick!! You're sick!

And remember: This will be theraputic for everyone.

Rims and Ho's!

Yesterday I was sitting in my livingroom when suddenly I heard a noise outside that sounded very familiar although I couldn't figure out exactly what it was. When I looked out my window I couldn't find where the noise was coming from, but it was definetely getting louder as whatever it was fast approached me. It then dawned on me that it sounded exactly like a train was about to come down my street. On one hand I knew that that was impossible since there are no train tracks anywhere near my home and yet, on the other hand, that was the sound that I was hearing... Then from down the street came a car with one tire flat to the point that the car was riding on the rim. As the car passed by I could see that the driver of the vehicle was acting as if nothing was wrong.
He continued down the street and I went back to whatever I was doing (now resting assured that a locomotive was not about to crash into my apartment), but it was several seconds before I could no longer hear the rim skreetching against the pavement.
Well, the story doesn't end there because if it did I wouldn't write about it.

The next afternoon I was in my livingroom watching television and suddenly that horrible noise found my ears yet again! I considered for a moment that it was my imagination when I looked out my window to see the same car driving down my street with the wheel in the same damaged condition! Who said you have to have tires on your 22's? You paid bank for those rims! Use 'em, Biatch!

And about the Ho's... I really don't have much to say about them. They're just Ho's. They get used... And I used them, for my title.

Whispers from the Wardrobe

The distant sound of traffic became more frequent as the clock struck 4am. One hour more and Dawn would turn over Night. Another move in the ancient feud between dark and light.

He lay beneath the sheets in search of sleep. The way to Slumber's dreams is in the dark, but by morning it's path is forgotten, not for memory to keep.

Whispers filled His ears. Whispers from the wardrobe. All children know that demons reside there. In darkness it stores both possessions and fears.

Evil knows that weary minds will easily trust. And in the dark there is not much else to do, but listen. So, their voices secretly reminded Him to covet and lust.

Angels stood nearby. If He would have asked His Father that night for silence from within, surely there would have been a great battle unheard. For the value of His soul was not forgotten in other realms beyond the sky.

But He had not spoken to His Father for some time. And who could speak now, for the whispers grew louder with each rhyme. Demons in His wardrobe reminded Him of His shame. And in their presence His thoughts remained the same.

Slumber's dreams waited for rest as Dawn wrestled Night. And angels stood nearby and listened to the whispers of their enemies. One small prayer and they would fight. Instead, halos bowed low as He stared in the dark and whispered back His most sinful memories.