Your ideals lie beneath rhyme and rhythm while, in the foreground, bobbing heads frame your voice. Sweat grips my shirt and smoke and ash dust off the shoulders of your intoxicated legion. I’m tired of their insecurities because they make me feel my own.
Again I’ll ask you within myself… Why did I come here?
Alcohol and cigarettes on her breath. Makes me sick. Can’t stand to watch her with him for another moment so, I think I’ll take my chances with the law.
One more and I can't tip for the cocktail. Bum a buck off the man. Doesn’t matter, 'cause I don’t plan to be back again. Secretly gettin’ bit in the backseat and I don’t care to tell. I hate this place, but I’ll probably be back again. Manipulation and control are beneath your rhyme and your rhythm. Temporary master of an intoxicated legion.
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
dunderhead
Int. Someplace - Night
Two FRIENDS sit at a large booth in a dimly lit bar. Inbetween drinks they converse.
GIBBS
(smiling)
Remember when you had that dream where you forgot to wear pants to school and you were the only one who didn't notice?
KIDDS
(looking under the table)
No.
GIBBS
You told me you had that dream where you forget to wear pants to school and everyone notices but you.
KIDDS
(searching for a point to the story)
Everyone's had that dream. I don't remember what one dream you're specifically referring to.
GIBBS
(amused)
You said you didn't notice that you weren't wearing pants, but you did point out to some other kid in the hall that she wasn't wearing pants. And then she pointed out that you weren't wearing any.
A WAITRESS approaches the men.
MIZZ
You guys want another round?
KIDDS
(without looking up)
We'll take the check.
Mizz walks away.
KIDDS (Cont'd)
(to Gibbs)
And?
GIBBS
I wonder whatever happened to that girl? Pretty crazy that you both weren't wearing pants.
KIDDS
You're living in a fantasy.
GIBBS
(now also looking under the table)
Just cause you feel it doesn't mean it's there.
KIDDS
(distempered)
I have pants on, you intellectual ignoramous.
(beat)
Where's yours?
GIBBS
(feeling naked)
Hypocrite!
KIDDS
(angrily standing up out of the booth)
I need to wake up.
Kidds walks through the bar toward the exit. BAR PATRONS gasp with embarrassment as he passes by.
Two FRIENDS sit at a large booth in a dimly lit bar. Inbetween drinks they converse.
GIBBS
(smiling)
Remember when you had that dream where you forgot to wear pants to school and you were the only one who didn't notice?
KIDDS
(looking under the table)
No.
GIBBS
You told me you had that dream where you forget to wear pants to school and everyone notices but you.
KIDDS
(searching for a point to the story)
Everyone's had that dream. I don't remember what one dream you're specifically referring to.
GIBBS
(amused)
You said you didn't notice that you weren't wearing pants, but you did point out to some other kid in the hall that she wasn't wearing pants. And then she pointed out that you weren't wearing any.
A WAITRESS approaches the men.
MIZZ
You guys want another round?
KIDDS
(without looking up)
We'll take the check.
Mizz walks away.
KIDDS (Cont'd)
(to Gibbs)
And?
GIBBS
I wonder whatever happened to that girl? Pretty crazy that you both weren't wearing pants.
KIDDS
You're living in a fantasy.
GIBBS
(now also looking under the table)
Just cause you feel it doesn't mean it's there.
KIDDS
(distempered)
I have pants on, you intellectual ignoramous.
(beat)
Where's yours?
GIBBS
(feeling naked)
Hypocrite!
KIDDS
(angrily standing up out of the booth)
I need to wake up.
Kidds walks through the bar toward the exit. BAR PATRONS gasp with embarrassment as he passes by.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
We're Talking Hypotheticals Here People...
If you were to suddenly find yourself being the only human in existance would you then be most confident or unconfident about your general beliefs and assumptions?
As an example: Would you still, then, view yourself as a funny person? Or a creative thinker? Or gifted musician? An exceptional poet? ...Etc.
What characterists would you portray? Would you continue to confine yourself to the socially accepted charactistic norms of your sex?
And finally, being the only human left in existance, which animal would you find most sexually attractive?
Okay, okay, fine... Allow me to set the stage a little better.
Which animal would you find most sexually attractive if you just realized that all human life had been wiped out and so, being naturally distraught, you got trashed on expensive alcohols and spirits that you found in an abandoned bar and now, with major beer goggles on, you've found yourself stumbling around in the dark at an abandoned zoo that used to brag the rights of having the most extensive collection of "exotic" animals in the world until, of course, all humans were destroyed? Having noticed the word "exotic" on one of the park signs you are now trying to find a sexual patner to have pity sex with. So, you lush, which beast will share in your erogenous feast?
Okay, okay, fine... When you answer to this scenario you can write in the third person. We'll all assume that this beastial person was a friend of yours or someone that you read about in Reader's Digest. Okay? Now, please, get to the writing, kids.
*I'll assume that all comments for this post will be anonymous, but don't worry, I won't look at you any different if I do know who posts which comment... ... .......... You sick, SICK, person! Sick! Ugh!! It's an animal! A friggin' disgusting anim... Agh! You Sick!! You're sick!
And remember: This will be theraputic for everyone.
As an example: Would you still, then, view yourself as a funny person? Or a creative thinker? Or gifted musician? An exceptional poet? ...Etc.
What characterists would you portray? Would you continue to confine yourself to the socially accepted charactistic norms of your sex?
And finally, being the only human left in existance, which animal would you find most sexually attractive?
Okay, okay, fine... Allow me to set the stage a little better.
Which animal would you find most sexually attractive if you just realized that all human life had been wiped out and so, being naturally distraught, you got trashed on expensive alcohols and spirits that you found in an abandoned bar and now, with major beer goggles on, you've found yourself stumbling around in the dark at an abandoned zoo that used to brag the rights of having the most extensive collection of "exotic" animals in the world until, of course, all humans were destroyed? Having noticed the word "exotic" on one of the park signs you are now trying to find a sexual patner to have pity sex with. So, you lush, which beast will share in your erogenous feast?
Okay, okay, fine... When you answer to this scenario you can write in the third person. We'll all assume that this beastial person was a friend of yours or someone that you read about in Reader's Digest. Okay? Now, please, get to the writing, kids.
*I'll assume that all comments for this post will be anonymous, but don't worry, I won't look at you any different if I do know who posts which comment... ... .......... You sick, SICK, person! Sick! Ugh!! It's an animal! A friggin' disgusting anim... Agh! You Sick!! You're sick!
And remember: This will be theraputic for everyone.
Saturday, August 20, 2005
Rims and Ho's!
Yesterday I was sitting in my livingroom when suddenly I heard a noise outside that sounded very familiar although I couldn't figure out exactly what it was. When I looked out my window I couldn't find where the noise was coming from, but it was definetely getting louder as whatever it was fast approached me. It then dawned on me that it sounded exactly like a train was about to come down my street. On one hand I knew that that was impossible since there are no train tracks anywhere near my home and yet, on the other hand, that was the sound that I was hearing... Then from down the street came a car with one tire flat to the point that the car was riding on the rim. As the car passed by I could see that the driver of the vehicle was acting as if nothing was wrong.
He continued down the street and I went back to whatever I was doing (now resting assured that a locomotive was not about to crash into my apartment), but it was several seconds before I could no longer hear the rim skreetching against the pavement.
Well, the story doesn't end there because if it did I wouldn't write about it.
The next afternoon I was in my livingroom watching television and suddenly that horrible noise found my ears yet again! I considered for a moment that it was my imagination when I looked out my window to see the same car driving down my street with the wheel in the same damaged condition! Who said you have to have tires on your 22's? You paid bank for those rims! Use 'em, Biatch!
And about the Ho's... I really don't have much to say about them. They're just Ho's. They get used... And I used them, for my title.
He continued down the street and I went back to whatever I was doing (now resting assured that a locomotive was not about to crash into my apartment), but it was several seconds before I could no longer hear the rim skreetching against the pavement.
Well, the story doesn't end there because if it did I wouldn't write about it.
The next afternoon I was in my livingroom watching television and suddenly that horrible noise found my ears yet again! I considered for a moment that it was my imagination when I looked out my window to see the same car driving down my street with the wheel in the same damaged condition! Who said you have to have tires on your 22's? You paid bank for those rims! Use 'em, Biatch!
And about the Ho's... I really don't have much to say about them. They're just Ho's. They get used... And I used them, for my title.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Whispers from the Wardrobe
The distant sound of traffic became more frequent as the clock struck 4am. One hour more and Dawn would turn over Night. Another move in the ancient feud between dark and light.
He lay beneath the sheets in search of sleep. The way to Slumber's dreams is in the dark, but by morning it's path is forgotten, not for memory to keep.
Whispers filled His ears. Whispers from the wardrobe. All children know that demons reside there. In darkness it stores both possessions and fears.
Evil knows that weary minds will easily trust. And in the dark there is not much else to do, but listen. So, their voices secretly reminded Him to covet and lust.
Angels stood nearby. If He would have asked His Father that night for silence from within, surely there would have been a great battle unheard. For the value of His soul was not forgotten in other realms beyond the sky.
But He had not spoken to His Father for some time. And who could speak now, for the whispers grew louder with each rhyme. Demons in His wardrobe reminded Him of His shame. And in their presence His thoughts remained the same.
Slumber's dreams waited for rest as Dawn wrestled Night. And angels stood nearby and listened to the whispers of their enemies. One small prayer and they would fight. Instead, halos bowed low as He stared in the dark and whispered back His most sinful memories.
He lay beneath the sheets in search of sleep. The way to Slumber's dreams is in the dark, but by morning it's path is forgotten, not for memory to keep.
Whispers filled His ears. Whispers from the wardrobe. All children know that demons reside there. In darkness it stores both possessions and fears.
Evil knows that weary minds will easily trust. And in the dark there is not much else to do, but listen. So, their voices secretly reminded Him to covet and lust.
Angels stood nearby. If He would have asked His Father that night for silence from within, surely there would have been a great battle unheard. For the value of His soul was not forgotten in other realms beyond the sky.
But He had not spoken to His Father for some time. And who could speak now, for the whispers grew louder with each rhyme. Demons in His wardrobe reminded Him of His shame. And in their presence His thoughts remained the same.
Slumber's dreams waited for rest as Dawn wrestled Night. And angels stood nearby and listened to the whispers of their enemies. One small prayer and they would fight. Instead, halos bowed low as He stared in the dark and whispered back His most sinful memories.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
$3.00
As gas prices in Los Angeles begin to hit the $3.00 mark per gallon I would like to encourage all of my readers (last reader count: Zero ) with a list of things that I found on the internet that you can purchase (S&H not included) for $3.00 or less.
Qty: Description: Price:
5 Jar Openers $3.00
3 Frisbees $3.00
6 Kraft Paper Bags $3.00
2 Pocket Coil Notebooks $2.50
1 Latte Mug $2.95
1 Candle $1.95
1 Tape Measure $2.65
2 Mint Candy Cards $3.00
1 Reversible Screwdriver $1.65
1 Compartment Water Bottle $2.50
1 Tire Gauge $2.00
6 Stadium Cups (Red) $3.00
6 Staduim Cups (White) $3.00
1 Pocket Flashlight $2.25
1 Waterproof Valuable Box $1.80
2 Heavy Duty Ice Scrapers $2.80
3 Bottle Opener Key Rings $2.55
1 Beauty Nipple Cover $3.00
So, there you go! I hope this gives you all hope. Three dollars still goes a long way.
Good luck! And drive with reckless abandon! ...maybe don't do that..?
Qty: Description: Price:
5 Jar Openers $3.00
3 Frisbees $3.00
6 Kraft Paper Bags $3.00
2 Pocket Coil Notebooks $2.50
1 Latte Mug $2.95
1 Candle $1.95
1 Tape Measure $2.65
2 Mint Candy Cards $3.00
1 Reversible Screwdriver $1.65
1 Compartment Water Bottle $2.50
1 Tire Gauge $2.00
6 Stadium Cups (Red) $3.00
6 Staduim Cups (White) $3.00
1 Pocket Flashlight $2.25
1 Waterproof Valuable Box $1.80
2 Heavy Duty Ice Scrapers $2.80
3 Bottle Opener Key Rings $2.55
1 Beauty Nipple Cover $3.00
So, there you go! I hope this gives you all hope. Three dollars still goes a long way.
Good luck! And drive with reckless abandon! ...maybe don't do that..?
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
stuff
So I've got a new idea for a script that I'm going to write with my friend. This one is going to be strickly comedy. No point except to be funny, and I believe that it will be.
Also, Peter Jennings died on Sunday and my brother is coming to my place today. I'm excited about that... And I'm pretty stoked that my brother's gonna be hangin' with me too.
What do you get when you go to a blackjack table and instead of bidding on two cards in front of you, you get interviewed?
A Carson Daily interview on the Last Call!!! HILARIOUS!
Man, I'm Drunk... (Urp)... Uggghhh.............................k
Also, Peter Jennings died on Sunday and my brother is coming to my place today. I'm excited about that... And I'm pretty stoked that my brother's gonna be hangin' with me too.
What do you get when you go to a blackjack table and instead of bidding on two cards in front of you, you get interviewed?
A Carson Daily interview on the Last Call!!! HILARIOUS!
Man, I'm Drunk... (Urp)... Uggghhh.............................k
Saturday, August 06, 2005
Today's Expose
In general I'm pissed off right at the moment. I hate that lately all I've wanted to do is write something worth while and all I ever come up with is an expressive journal entry that details my poorly influenced emotions. How can someone want to be a writer and yet he can't ever conquer a blank page? This blog page is defeating me. It started off as nothing and no matter how many words I've put on here so far it still reads as nothing to me. And that's how I've felt for weeks now. No inspiration. And then there's the question of what if I did write something "good" at some point and I became successful because of it?
I was at a club tonight cruisin' around the dance floor and I noticed that all of the beautiful women around me were staring off to my left by the DJ booth. The table next to the DJ was being occupied by Kirstin Dunst and Jake Gyllenhaal. All of these people around me were moving back and forth in this drone type movement to the music while staring up at these two celebrities while they freaked on one another. I was completely repulsed. What a shallow, sick thing to witness. So I left and bought a hot dog from a street vender, which I highly recommend to anyone visiting Hollywood. I met up with a friend down the street who was with his genuinely sweet and disgustingly gorgeous love interest. After a few awkward moments straight out of Elimidate I left those two and went to my car. While waiting at a light, two guys started pounding each other's faces in on the corner and it was all I could do to not get out and join the fun. But I didn't and now I'm home wishing I had something to write about... What a waste... of cyberspace.
I was at a club tonight cruisin' around the dance floor and I noticed that all of the beautiful women around me were staring off to my left by the DJ booth. The table next to the DJ was being occupied by Kirstin Dunst and Jake Gyllenhaal. All of these people around me were moving back and forth in this drone type movement to the music while staring up at these two celebrities while they freaked on one another. I was completely repulsed. What a shallow, sick thing to witness. So I left and bought a hot dog from a street vender, which I highly recommend to anyone visiting Hollywood. I met up with a friend down the street who was with his genuinely sweet and disgustingly gorgeous love interest. After a few awkward moments straight out of Elimidate I left those two and went to my car. While waiting at a light, two guys started pounding each other's faces in on the corner and it was all I could do to not get out and join the fun. But I didn't and now I'm home wishing I had something to write about... What a waste... of cyberspace.
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
I updated my blog...
And while proof-reading, some bubble came up to explain a problem and before I was able to read it I hit some random key and the bubble and my new blog disappeared. I'm so pissed! I can't recreate what I wrote... but I'll tell you it had to do with my newly conceptualized... Concept of the Christian Ipod - The all new IGod!
Comment if you'd like to know more.
Comment if you'd like to know more.
Monday, July 25, 2005
STYLIZED WRITING: Lesson #2 - Writing Like A Second Grader (aka - A Story Not Worth Telling)
When I went camping for my friend's bachelor party weekend we saw a bear. But I digress...
The story I really want to tell is about all the cool stuff we brought with us camping. We brought a badminton set, wiffle ball bat and ball and a croquet set. While playing croquet we used some of the balls from the croquet set and a wiffle ball to play bocce ball. I won most of the bocce ball games, but I never won in croquet. In fact all that I ended up with after those matches was a second degree sunburn on my shoulders.
We also saw a coyote.
The story I really want to tell is about all the cool stuff we brought with us camping. We brought a badminton set, wiffle ball bat and ball and a croquet set. While playing croquet we used some of the balls from the croquet set and a wiffle ball to play bocce ball. I won most of the bocce ball games, but I never won in croquet. In fact all that I ended up with after those matches was a second degree sunburn on my shoulders.
We also saw a coyote.
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Memoirs of the Naked Guy in July
It's so hot today that by 9:30am I was naked. I would like to be naked before 9:30am, but right now, in my life, there's no real reason to be.
I don't believe there are many circumstances that a person can find themselves in that are quite as uncomfortable as being naked and sweating... Unless you just had poorly timed sex... I guess there are a few scenarios within that circumstance that would be much less hospitable to the ideals of one's comfort.
By 9:40am I could no longer bear to stay in my microwave of a bedroom so, I weighed out the cost of attempting to move to the living room. To make this 8 step journey to the living room (literally 8 steps) it meant I would have to put clothes on, if not just for a few seconds, so that I could close the curtains to my patio door... I don't know if Peeping Tom is gay, but I didn't want to encourage anything...
However, putting clothes on for any increment of time in this temperature sounded about as inviting as sipping on a warm glass or urine but, I really couldn't stay in my room any longer.
Then there was the delema of deciding what I would do once I took up residence in the living room. Since I had only slept for 4.5 hours, sleep seemed appropriate but, I was naked and naked men don't belong on the community couch in my apartment. The floor is too dirty (it's too hot to vacuum). And standing wasn't an option.
Five minutes later, at 9:45am, with beads of sweat welling up in my bellybutton (people with outties don't have to worry about this ever happening), I decided to bite the proverbial bullet and wrap my not-so-proverbial blanket around me, close the curtains, throw the blanket on the couch, turn on the ever expensive A/C and lay on the couch...
It's 11:13am and sweat is causing my laptop to slide across my legs.
I've decided that I owe it to my roommate to at least wear boxers while I'm on the couch even though I am already laying on a blanket.
I had to eventually turn the A/C off due to budget constraints and now, I'm weighing out the cost of moving to the kitchen to climb into the freezer.
I don't believe there are many circumstances that a person can find themselves in that are quite as uncomfortable as being naked and sweating... Unless you just had poorly timed sex... I guess there are a few scenarios within that circumstance that would be much less hospitable to the ideals of one's comfort.
By 9:40am I could no longer bear to stay in my microwave of a bedroom so, I weighed out the cost of attempting to move to the living room. To make this 8 step journey to the living room (literally 8 steps) it meant I would have to put clothes on, if not just for a few seconds, so that I could close the curtains to my patio door... I don't know if Peeping Tom is gay, but I didn't want to encourage anything...
However, putting clothes on for any increment of time in this temperature sounded about as inviting as sipping on a warm glass or urine but, I really couldn't stay in my room any longer.
Then there was the delema of deciding what I would do once I took up residence in the living room. Since I had only slept for 4.5 hours, sleep seemed appropriate but, I was naked and naked men don't belong on the community couch in my apartment. The floor is too dirty (it's too hot to vacuum). And standing wasn't an option.
Five minutes later, at 9:45am, with beads of sweat welling up in my bellybutton (people with outties don't have to worry about this ever happening), I decided to bite the proverbial bullet and wrap my not-so-proverbial blanket around me, close the curtains, throw the blanket on the couch, turn on the ever expensive A/C and lay on the couch...
It's 11:13am and sweat is causing my laptop to slide across my legs.
I've decided that I owe it to my roommate to at least wear boxers while I'm on the couch even though I am already laying on a blanket.
I had to eventually turn the A/C off due to budget constraints and now, I'm weighing out the cost of moving to the kitchen to climb into the freezer.
Monday, July 18, 2005
City of Angels City of Hope
If you can't find the strength to stay where you are for one more day. Why do you stay?
But if at the same time you can't imagine being anywhere else, why would you go?
Where do you live when the streets are owned by races and there's no room for you on your block?
And if you can't afford today, then why worry about tomorrow?
But if tomorrow comes and there's no way to pay, then why didn't you save yesterday?
Where do you go when daydreams are so intoxicating that you're thoughts are poisonous and the bind of reality is suffocating?
If two friends feel lonely, then who's the better friend?
How do you paint when every color hates the other?
But if at the same time you can't imagine being anywhere else, why would you go?
Where do you live when the streets are owned by races and there's no room for you on your block?
And if you can't afford today, then why worry about tomorrow?
But if tomorrow comes and there's no way to pay, then why didn't you save yesterday?
Where do you go when daydreams are so intoxicating that you're thoughts are poisonous and the bind of reality is suffocating?
If two friends feel lonely, then who's the better friend?
How do you paint when every color hates the other?
Sunday, July 03, 2005
Virgil - I've got your keys...
The title is a quote from the movie "Painted Hero" by Terry Benedict. It's a silly movie with an unrelatable plot, but the line, "Virgil - I've got your keys." struck me as very humorous.
It's Saturday, and today, I went to work at 10am.
It's my blog and I should not have to express that the writings within are my opinion, but... (It's my opinion that) no one should be going to work at 10am on a Saturday. Especially if they were at a club until 4am the night before. But anyway, there I was in uniform at work at 10am, just to find out that my particular work space was under construction, so I went home.
Okay, this Saturday was now completely available to me. I could take advantage of it in anyway I'd like. So, I did what any person would do with that kind of valuable free time. I got in my pajamas and ate chocolate cake while watching baseball all afternoon. Then I got the invite to go to the beach with friends, so I wiped the chocolate crusties from the corners of my mouth and went to the beach, where it was overcast and cold. We had pizza, my friends some how got sunburn and then I went to their house to watch "Painted Hero". I fell asleep half way through the movie, woke up, and went home. Once home I perused the internet until I felt lonely and depressed. I went through my daily life evaluation... failed... and then my other friend called me and told me he was coming over. We watched America's Funniest Home Videos and then went to a house party in Miracle Mile. Party was a bust and now I'm home - writing about my liberated Saturday.
Sunday is promising because it's the day after today. I didn't see the end of "Painted Hero" so I don't know if Virgil got his keys back... But Sunday is promising for Virgil too.
It's Saturday, and today, I went to work at 10am.
It's my blog and I should not have to express that the writings within are my opinion, but... (It's my opinion that) no one should be going to work at 10am on a Saturday. Especially if they were at a club until 4am the night before. But anyway, there I was in uniform at work at 10am, just to find out that my particular work space was under construction, so I went home.
Okay, this Saturday was now completely available to me. I could take advantage of it in anyway I'd like. So, I did what any person would do with that kind of valuable free time. I got in my pajamas and ate chocolate cake while watching baseball all afternoon. Then I got the invite to go to the beach with friends, so I wiped the chocolate crusties from the corners of my mouth and went to the beach, where it was overcast and cold. We had pizza, my friends some how got sunburn and then I went to their house to watch "Painted Hero". I fell asleep half way through the movie, woke up, and went home. Once home I perused the internet until I felt lonely and depressed. I went through my daily life evaluation... failed... and then my other friend called me and told me he was coming over. We watched America's Funniest Home Videos and then went to a house party in Miracle Mile. Party was a bust and now I'm home - writing about my liberated Saturday.
Sunday is promising because it's the day after today. I didn't see the end of "Painted Hero" so I don't know if Virgil got his keys back... But Sunday is promising for Virgil too.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
The Standard Birthday Party
First I must tell you that as of late I REALLY haven't felt like posting. Many events and stories have knocked at my door and begged to be exploited, but when the pen is too heavy and the paper is too large... Or however that saying goes. (I suppose since I just made up that saying it goes just like that.) Anyway, I'm dusting off the keys and advancing cyberspace once again.
My birthday happened this month. Actually, the rememberance of my birthday. Well, no one that celebrated with me remembers the specific miracle... The recognition and gift giving happened this month. And it was a story worth being told. Not my birth, (although I like to think that the ladies thank their lucky stars for that.) but my birthday this year.
THAT NIGHT: My boys got me all set up in a cool posh hotel room at the Standard in downtown. We had a room with cool orange couches, a hottub sort of thing, a giant bathroom/shower combo, and this enormous black foam foot that I'm sure lots of fun nasty things have happened on (so I tried not to touch it, although I did a couple of times... "Hey, it's a huge black foam foot!" touch, touch, squeeze.).
After beers and room service it was up to the dance floor. The dancing took place on the rooftop and was heavily guarded by a bunch of kids who were trained at some underground Nazi camp. Once we were beaten by the guards we were free to party. The dance floor was really cool except there wasn't anyone on it. So, I soaked up the incredible view and waited for the rest of my friends to arrive... 2 hours after they were supposed to be there, everyone was accounted for. So, I headed downstairs to greet my guests. On my way into the elevator a guard grabbed my wrist and cut off my rooftop access wristband.
"Why did you do that?" I inquired.
"No one can leave and come back after 11pm." said the Nazi.
"I have a room here." I explained.
"You'd have a different band if you had a room here." said the Nazi.
"No, there's been a mistake. I have a room." said me.
"..." shrugged the Nazi.
The elevator doors close. At the bottom floor I find my friends and hug.
Drinks are bought and gifts are opened. I then head to the front desk to purchase more wristbands for myself and my guests.
"Hey. How's it going? Hey, my wristband was cut off by one of your cool bouncers." I slurred.
"I'm sorry. Here's a wristband that will allow you to go where you want." said the pretty lady.
"Thanks. Here's money (Lots) to buy all of my friends wristbands too." I think I said.
"Sorry, we're at capacity. No more people can go up on the roof." the pretty lady said.
"But there's lots of room and I'll buy you access too!" I wish I hadn't said.
"There's no way you're getting more wristbands." The once pretty lady said.
Party in my room! I sneaked all of my people into my room. Room service arrives. We chat, we drink, we all watch me get into the hottub with shorts and a tie on. Nazis showed up and told us to keep it down or there would be hell to pay. Then paparazzi showed up and snapped off some cool pics. They were escorted out and then I think I realized there weren't anymore people in my room accept my two brothers. So, I got out of the tub and went to bed. While one friend polished off all of the champagne and wandered the halls, the other soaked in the tub in his underwear.
NEXT MORNING: Room service finally arrived with the coffee, croissants and towels. We packed up and headed to the elevator where we met up with the head Nazi guard, Paul Myers. One awkward elevator ride to the bottom floor and we have the names of the people we're going to complain about. After having our complaint dismissed and thrown into the trash we left and saw Batman (great film).
Some phone calls were made before and after the movie. The owner of the Standard was informed of the Neo-Nazi problem, more names were taken, and justice was served.
Cool gig, huh? Bet you wish you were there. Maybe next year. Except you don't know when my birthday is and you don't know where it's going to be. Fools!
My birthday happened this month. Actually, the rememberance of my birthday. Well, no one that celebrated with me remembers the specific miracle... The recognition and gift giving happened this month. And it was a story worth being told. Not my birth, (although I like to think that the ladies thank their lucky stars for that.) but my birthday this year.
THAT NIGHT: My boys got me all set up in a cool posh hotel room at the Standard in downtown. We had a room with cool orange couches, a hottub sort of thing, a giant bathroom/shower combo, and this enormous black foam foot that I'm sure lots of fun nasty things have happened on (so I tried not to touch it, although I did a couple of times... "Hey, it's a huge black foam foot!" touch, touch, squeeze.).
After beers and room service it was up to the dance floor. The dancing took place on the rooftop and was heavily guarded by a bunch of kids who were trained at some underground Nazi camp. Once we were beaten by the guards we were free to party. The dance floor was really cool except there wasn't anyone on it. So, I soaked up the incredible view and waited for the rest of my friends to arrive... 2 hours after they were supposed to be there, everyone was accounted for. So, I headed downstairs to greet my guests. On my way into the elevator a guard grabbed my wrist and cut off my rooftop access wristband.
"Why did you do that?" I inquired.
"No one can leave and come back after 11pm." said the Nazi.
"I have a room here." I explained.
"You'd have a different band if you had a room here." said the Nazi.
"No, there's been a mistake. I have a room." said me.
"..." shrugged the Nazi.
The elevator doors close. At the bottom floor I find my friends and hug.
Drinks are bought and gifts are opened. I then head to the front desk to purchase more wristbands for myself and my guests.
"Hey. How's it going? Hey, my wristband was cut off by one of your cool bouncers." I slurred.
"I'm sorry. Here's a wristband that will allow you to go where you want." said the pretty lady.
"Thanks. Here's money (Lots) to buy all of my friends wristbands too." I think I said.
"Sorry, we're at capacity. No more people can go up on the roof." the pretty lady said.
"But there's lots of room and I'll buy you access too!" I wish I hadn't said.
"There's no way you're getting more wristbands." The once pretty lady said.
Party in my room! I sneaked all of my people into my room. Room service arrives. We chat, we drink, we all watch me get into the hottub with shorts and a tie on. Nazis showed up and told us to keep it down or there would be hell to pay. Then paparazzi showed up and snapped off some cool pics. They were escorted out and then I think I realized there weren't anymore people in my room accept my two brothers. So, I got out of the tub and went to bed. While one friend polished off all of the champagne and wandered the halls, the other soaked in the tub in his underwear.
NEXT MORNING: Room service finally arrived with the coffee, croissants and towels. We packed up and headed to the elevator where we met up with the head Nazi guard, Paul Myers. One awkward elevator ride to the bottom floor and we have the names of the people we're going to complain about. After having our complaint dismissed and thrown into the trash we left and saw Batman (great film).
Some phone calls were made before and after the movie. The owner of the Standard was informed of the Neo-Nazi problem, more names were taken, and justice was served.
Cool gig, huh? Bet you wish you were there. Maybe next year. Except you don't know when my birthday is and you don't know where it's going to be. Fools!
Announcement
The SIMH Staff would like to apologize for the recent delays in updated posts. Without going into great detail we will tell you that after a long court battle the rights to the "Twenty-Six Part Series" had to be sold. This means there will be no more series under that title, however, we encourage you to continue to stop by and check this blog for other fun filled posts.
Thank you for your support.
SIMH Staff
Thank you for your support.
SIMH Staff
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Fourth Part Of A Twenty-Six Part Series
Part Four:
D
"D" stands for Dastard, which means "A sneaky, cowardly evildoer."
However, it sounds like, ...it sounds like...
(Unbelievable. I'm a retard. I can't think of one word that this thing sounds like. Son of a... Guess I'll finish this sandwich and think about it for a bit. Man, I wish I had some mustard. ...This is ridiculous. Think of a word you rat $astard! Forget it! Now, I'm just getting flusterd.)
Sorry, I don't know what it sounds like, guys.
*This series also comes in lower case for those who's computers do not support upper case.
D
"D" stands for Dastard, which means "A sneaky, cowardly evildoer."
However, it sounds like, ...it sounds like...
(Unbelievable. I'm a retard. I can't think of one word that this thing sounds like. Son of a... Guess I'll finish this sandwich and think about it for a bit. Man, I wish I had some mustard. ...This is ridiculous. Think of a word you rat $astard! Forget it! Now, I'm just getting flusterd.)
Sorry, I don't know what it sounds like, guys.
*This series also comes in lower case for those who's computers do not support upper case.
Friday, June 17, 2005
Third Part Of A Twenty-Six Part Series
Part Three:
C
"C" stands for Clypeus, which means "A shieldlike plate on the front of the head of an insect."
However, it sounds like Clippenis, which is immoral with the exception of Jewish religious practices.
As a special note I'll also add that Clypeus pronounced backwards is Soupyls, which sounds like an abbr. of Marsupials, which means "Any of various nonplacental mammals of the order Marsupialia, including kangaroos, opossums, bandicoots, and wombats, found principally in Australia and the Americas." And that's a fun definition because you get to say "bandicoots and wombats."
*This series also comes in lower case for those who's computers do not support upper case.
C
"C" stands for Clypeus, which means "A shieldlike plate on the front of the head of an insect."
However, it sounds like Clippenis, which is immoral with the exception of Jewish religious practices.
As a special note I'll also add that Clypeus pronounced backwards is Soupyls, which sounds like an abbr. of Marsupials, which means "Any of various nonplacental mammals of the order Marsupialia, including kangaroos, opossums, bandicoots, and wombats, found principally in Australia and the Americas." And that's a fun definition because you get to say "bandicoots and wombats."
*This series also comes in lower case for those who's computers do not support upper case.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Second Part Of A Twenty-Six Part Series
Part Two:
B
"B" stands for Biathlon, which means "A winter sports event combining cross-country skiing and rifle marksmanship."
However, it sounds like Bi-athlon, which I think means "An everyday event engaging bisexual athletes in various sexually perverse activities with one another for pleasure."
*This series also comes in lower case for those who's computers do not support upper case.
B
"B" stands for Biathlon, which means "A winter sports event combining cross-country skiing and rifle marksmanship."
However, it sounds like Bi-athlon, which I think means "An everyday event engaging bisexual athletes in various sexually perverse activities with one another for pleasure."
*This series also comes in lower case for those who's computers do not support upper case.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
First Part Of A Twenty-Six Part Series
PART ONE:
A
"A" stands for Apparatus, which means "An appliance or device for a particular purpose."
However, it sounds like Up her atus... The meaning of which, I have no idea.
*This series also comes in lower case for those who's computers do not support upper case.
A
"A" stands for Apparatus, which means "An appliance or device for a particular purpose."
However, it sounds like Up her atus... The meaning of which, I have no idea.
*This series also comes in lower case for those who's computers do not support upper case.
Saturday, June 11, 2005
If Insomnia was a country...
I think it would be an entire country dedicated to Las Vegas.
Anyway, the thought just crossed my mind that I might be the only person on the West coast who's still awake with no reason to be. But that's ridiculous. Work starts in 6 hrs. Conan O'Brian is interviewing the Queen of Latifa ("Latifa" is a small area in the southern tip of Latin America. Latifa is spanish for "The Tiffy". A "Tiffy" is an extended moment in time... A split second slowed down to an indefinite point of experiential extention.) Pretty deep stuff, and that makes her pretty important - being the queen and all. She holds her courts in a beauty shop.
Welp, it's officially 4am. I have no reason to go to sleep other than it's a habit. I have no reason to go to work in a few hours other than it sustains my addiction to hope. I have no reason to keep writing other than
Anyway, the thought just crossed my mind that I might be the only person on the West coast who's still awake with no reason to be. But that's ridiculous. Work starts in 6 hrs. Conan O'Brian is interviewing the Queen of Latifa ("Latifa" is a small area in the southern tip of Latin America. Latifa is spanish for "The Tiffy". A "Tiffy" is an extended moment in time... A split second slowed down to an indefinite point of experiential extention.) Pretty deep stuff, and that makes her pretty important - being the queen and all. She holds her courts in a beauty shop.
Welp, it's officially 4am. I have no reason to go to sleep other than it's a habit. I have no reason to go to work in a few hours other than it sustains my addiction to hope. I have no reason to keep writing other than
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)